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Indecision

January 17, 2008

I’m tired of indecision.  I feel like the last several years of my
life have been racked by it without respite.  Where do I want to
work?  Where do I want to live?  Should I date?  Should
I not date?  Should I strike out on my own or run back home? 

I have to remind myself to come back to my previous entry from time to
time because in the past two weeks I’d already forgotten what I
wrote.  I need to remind myself to take things one day at a time,
making the most of the moments given to me along the way.  It
would be nice to have more direction, but my dreams are too amorphous
to lend me a specific vision to strive for.  As such, I need to
rely on my values and ideals to help me make decisions as they come up
rather than forging ahead on a pre-planned path.  I’ll form my own
path along the way, but I don’t know what it will look like right
now. 

Up until I became involved in serious relationships with significant
others, I was perfectly fine with my indecision–in fact, I found it
titillating.  It’s exciting not to know exactly what the future
will bring because it leaves lots of room for imagining.  However,
not knowing what I want my future to look like makes it difficult to
know what I want out of a relationship.  I like to think that I
should just let myself fall in love and not worry so much about it, but
doing that seriously backfired on me once already.  As a result,
I’ve joined the enormous crowd of people who don’t know what to do
about relationships and who let them cause too much anxiety.  My
anxiety and indecision has caused me to hurt two people I care a lot
about in the past several months, which only augments my
fretting. 

But don’t worry about me.  I’m not; in a certain sense, I thrive
on emotional and spiritual struggle–I suppose any writer does. 
Mostly I’m worried about the people who are involved with me and who
may become involved with me down the road.  I’m afraid of hurting
people, but I’m afraid that I will.

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