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Gemini II

October 24, 2007

Over the past several months, the diverging desires inside of me have
been deuling harder than I’ve ever felt them deul before–I know
because I can really feel them.  My days are full of drastsic ups and downs that are a consequence of incompatible dreams. 

On the one hand, I want so much to explore more, to travel, to live and
work in exotic places in the USA and abroad; I desire adventure,
diversity, and challenging differences.  Yet at the same time, I
long for the intimacy of close friends and family, which I sorely miss
when I’m not around them. 

In any given day, I experience the euphoria of being extremely
engaged in my work and my ideas for social change, only to later feel
the emptiness of having no one nearby to share them with, no one to
love, to care for, to have care for me. 

I’ve always been a person who needs a significant amount of personal
space and time, but recently I’m discovering that I also need a
significant amount of intimacy with another(s), both physical and
intellectual.  Without this intimacy, I can’t help but feel that
something is missing from my life no matter how well my academic and/or
career life is going. 

So what do I do with these two opposing strains?  There is no
answer.  If I were to move back home where people love me and know
me well, I would be very happy for a while, but eventually that happiness
would give way to restlessness; I would be wishing to be out in the
world at large again, fighting the good fight in places with more needs
than my home town. 

I think I’m feeling the push and pull of my diverging interests more
intensely now than ever before because I’m at a point where I realize I
will probably never return back home, at least not to my home
town.  I’ve been away for three years, but during two of those
years, I was with someone who also had ties to my home town, and now my
tie with him is broken and the strings still attached to me are pulling
in other directions.

The fact is that I wouldn’t change any of this about myself because the
sum of my personal characteristics and  life experiences make me
the critical, engaged, empathetic person that I believe I am… yet
sometimes I can’t help but wonder, Couldn’t I have been born some other
time than between May 21 and June 21? 


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